Is This It?

I’m in my fifties. If I was able to change, should I have been able to do so by now or is this it?

It’s a harsh question to ask oneself but sometimes I do. I’ve been in counseling forever and I’ve engaged in cognitive behavioral therapy. I’ve tried methods I’ve learned from various professionals and gurus on Youtube, to change my habits and become a happier person. Every day when I wake up, I resolve to try yet again – to rewire my brain.

Tonight as I sit writing this, I’m having another one of those moments. Is this it? I’m depressed again and on the verge of tears (already cried several times today) and everything seems dull to me.

Times like this make me wonder if it really is possible to change or am I stuck with me as I am for the rest of my life? Can I accept this idea? That’s depressing in itself and is probably not a message of hope to carry to anyone reading this.

There are times when I simply accept the fact that I’m depressed and “go” with it. Ironically, that’s when things usually turn around by the next day. Acceptance in itself is powerful. It helps you to be more at peace with the way things are – or the way I am. It’s the fight that breeds discontent and makes things worse, after all.

Still, I’ll never give up looking for answers or for exercises that might actually make a difference. Sometimes I write down affirmations over and over again on a piece of paper. I swear it seems to work or has a placebo effect – who cares which – as long as the results are good.

I’m really big into quantum mechanics and I believe we experience what we think whether it comes from the conscious or subconscious mind. My subconscious has way too much control over my world and I don’t like it. That’s why I’m always focusing on overwriting the current script. I try to watch my thoughts and attitude – believing that they have real consequences – and rewards.

I believe with every fiber of my being that spirituality is the key to happiness and healing and I believe that the ancient religions and philosophies hold the answers. I know good advice when I see it and Taoism and The Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous are solid. Look inside for happiness, lean on others, help others, and love others. You can’t go wrong with those.

So what’s up with me? Is there any hope? I certainly have my good days and times when I’m happy and enthusiastic about life but my journey is one of constant ups and downs. Is the trend-line going up or is my emotional wellness graph line flat? Am I better adjusted today than I was thirty years ago? I honestly don’t know because I can’t remember clearly where I came from.

Despite my sometimes dire predictions for my future though, deep down I know I’m loved and that all of this is worth it. I am who I am for a reason and that feeling of purpose carries me through.

To answer my question of Is This It?

Maybe this is exactly how things are supposed to be.

Published by ldinlove

I am an eccentric blogger and artist. I currently live off-grid which makes for some great stories. :)

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