I feel fragile right now; transparent and easily cracked. Like a well-engineered glass sculpture or building that has been compromised, I need to close temporarily for repairs.
Less than a week ago, radicalized Trump supporters overran our nation’s Capitol and threatened our Democracy like we haven’t seen in our lifetimes – nor have our Grandparents. I’ve been glued to the media ever since.
I’ve felt compelled to learn as much as I can about this time so that I’ll never forget and I think all of the negativity has settled deep in my psyche. As I go about my day, I feel heavy and numb and the smallest of tasks threaten to overwhelm me.
If there is a collective consciousness, this nation has been kicked in the balls. I wonder if I’m experiencing the shock, anger and disbelief of millions of others on top of my own? I wonder, if we share an emotional database, does the insurrectionist’s misguided rage bleed into the confusion?
Whatever the source or sources, I’m “handle with care”. I bawled this morning when my son set up a table to do his homework in the middle of the mess that’s accrued over the week while I sat glued to my computer. There wasn’t enough room so I began to mechanically grab objects to take to our shed to make way. There is where I sat and lost it. I cried for a good ten minutes over a portable heater and a composting bucket that were in the way.
But I knew the real reason.
Activity seems to help, especially manual tasks that involve little thought although I end up ruminating about what’s happened. Mindless tasks such as digging a well help because they are neutral. Mud isn’t controversial or traitorous. A shovel has no political affiliation and I can use it to create a result and feel as if I’m in control.
But I can’t single-handedly save our Democracy.
Wait – I voted. I did do my part – as much as I humanly could. Me and millions of others. And it worked. Maybe I can let go now and trust the rest will happen without me.
I’m going to allow myself to be a mess while forces I can’t comprehend repair the damage that has been done. I’ll still keep abreast of the latest news but with the understanding that I’m an observer and don’t have to be a hero.
I have every reason to believe we’ll be OK and so will our nation.
In the meantime, the laundry can wait.