Split Personality

I love myself.                                               I hate myself. I think I’m smart.                                         I’m a fucking idiot. I see and understand the truth.                   God sucks. Life sucks. I suck. Everyone sucks. Hate and rage are a waste of time.             I hate, I resent, I want to break something. Good alwaysContinue reading “Split Personality”

Chemicals And The Brain

I once told someone: “no one wakes up one day and says “‘I think I’ll fuck up my life’”. Do you know anyone who would voluntarily do that? I don’t. Sure, environmental influences figure in but give me a break: we are made up of the literal elements of the earth, we are subject toContinue reading “Chemicals And The Brain”

The Monkey On My Back

It’s more like a gorilla, to be honest. The thing that sits on my shoulders like the proverbial devil, and whispers thoughts into my consciousness and influences my mood and emotions – won’t go away. It has a firm grip on me. It is my master. I am helpless to it’s instructions no matter howContinue reading “The Monkey On My Back”

Responsibility

Where does self accountability and responsibility for oneself begin and end? How much belongs to others? It revolves around free will or choice, I believe, but a good portion of our choices are motivated by conditioning or come from the subconscious which in turn may be influenced by our genetics. Those aspects of ourselves areContinue reading “Responsibility”

Like Broken Glass

I feel fragile right now; transparent and easily cracked. Like a well-engineered glass sculpture or building that has been compromised, I need to close temporarily for repairs. Less than a week ago, radicalized Trump supporters overran our nation’s Capitol and threatened our Democracy like we haven’t seen in our lifetimes – nor have our Grandparents.Continue reading “Like Broken Glass”

The Imposter Is Me

Remember how, at the end of the movie The Sixth Sense, Bruce Willis finds out he’s been dead all along? Can you imagine the shock of finding out something about yourself that is a total game changer? I had an epiphany yesterday. I realized for the first time in my life that I am anContinue reading “The Imposter Is Me”

Contents Under Pressure

I’ve been reading Eckhart Tolle lately and he talks about the pain body.  It’s basically a sort of being that is a part of you that feeds off of emotion. I find the concept plausible and fascinating and I like metaphors. My pain body is obese. It has plenty to eat. A whole smorgasbord, openContinue reading “Contents Under Pressure”

Is This It?

I’m in my fifties. If I was able to change, should I have been able to do so by now or is this it? It’s a harsh question to ask oneself but sometimes I do. I’ve been in counseling forever and I’ve engaged in cognitive behavioral therapy. I’ve tried methods I’ve learned from various professionalsContinue reading “Is This It?”

Eckhart Tolle

I like Eckhart Tolle. He is very unusual in his demeanor – very quiet and thoughtful. Sometimes it takes a little patience to wait out his pauses but when he speaks – it’s meaningful and powerful. I believe we are spiritual in nature and that spirituality is the key to healing. I believe (as scienceContinue reading “Eckhart Tolle”